I’m confused because I see myself in all of these.
Here was my answer:
I tend to get this question a lot, so your confusion is not unusual. Two elements of personality tend to explain the confusion away.
1. You are near the center of the Personality Matrix.
2. You have developed a Behavioral Mask.
Perhaps it is both. Let me explain each.
First the Personality Matrix: Few people are all tentative or all impulsive. People tend towards one or the other and fall somewhere between on the graph. The closer you are to center of the graph the more you will want to get it done, yet worry about getting it right. Likewise, few people are completely introverted or completely extroverted. The closer you are to center, the more likely that you will feel a pull towards people on some days, and need to get away from people on others.
The key here is to remember that not everyone is motived in the same way, and knowing the basics of their personality allows you to understand what motives them and why. Also realize that there are grades of personality variations all along the matrix, depending on how close they are to the center of the matrix.
2: The Behavioral Mask: I have a short section on this in my course. The key is behavior versus personality. Personality is born in us; behavior is learned during our lives. We can be Choleric, yet learn to care about the feelings of others in order to get things done. We can be Sanguine, yet learn to pay attention to details in order to keep our lives from falling apart. We can be Phlegmatic, yet learn to take charge in order to keep our relationships safe. We can be Melancholic, yet learn how to engage better with the people around us.
The key here is to remember what you were like as a child. Think back to what you were like in kindergarden, and before you were taught the lessons of life. This can often give you an insight into your personality without its Behavioral Mask.
Finally, Behavioral Mask are a good thing. Many students get worried when I use the word “mask” because they think, “So I am not being myself?” Let me be clear, everyone develops behavial masks as they mature, and learn how to play well with others.
Hopes this clarifies your confusion. Feel free to write again.
Lynn
Here was her reply to my reply:
Thanks Lynn,
Reading your explanations I think I may fall more towards the center of the personality matrix, I want to get things done so badly, but get held back by the obsessive need to get it right and as you describe about introversion, extroversion. So how do center people learn to find balance in their interactions?
Thanks
My Reply to her reply:
You have already begun Francine, by simply realizing the complexity of your personality. One of my favorite quotes has always been, “Know Thyself.” This was carved above the Great Oracle of Delphi nearly 500 years before the birth of Christ.
As far as introvert vs. extrovert goes, you need to schedule time to be alone and think, just as you need to find time to hang out with friends. Take control of your time, and spend it wisely. My guess is that you already know when you need your friends, and already know when you need to be alone. You just need to feel comfortable setting those boundaries.
As far as Impulsive vs. Tentative, you need to set deadlines and consequences for yourself. Deadlines will always get a tentative moving, and they come naturally to an impulsive. The need to get things right often means that you never get things done, but getting things done often means they are not always right. Be honest with yourself. Know thyself, and you will find balance in the center.
And remember that consequences can also be a reward for meeting your deadline.
Lynn
PS: Another thought Francine. People who are Tentative, often hate speaking up for themselves. Remember they want to get it right, and they hate getting it wrong. If this is true in your case, start by learning to ask questions. You never go wrong by asking a sincere question, and within that question you also can find a chance to get to the information you need to both get it right and get it done.
And her final reply:
Thanks Lynn
This is helpful and you are right the tentative part of me hates speaking up for myself and end up feeling resentful sometimes, I will try the questions thing, learn the art of asking questions. I do actually have a good handle on the introvert/extrovert, I know when I need my friends and I know when I need to be alone, I also know how long I can actually tolerate being in a group setting before I become highly agitated. It’s the tentative/impulsive part that gets me. But I will make an effort to make deadlines for myself.
Funny i used to think it was the introvert/extrovert thing that was my biggest issue, maybe because i link introversion to tentativeness and extroversion to impulsiveness your course helped me to realize that it’s not as black and white as that.
Thanks again
Francine